the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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