chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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