my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
