I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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