I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
