Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sorry about my life...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
