you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
