My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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