And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
