i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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