All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
