Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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