she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
