I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
