I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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