dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
