shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
