Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
