Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
