All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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