I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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