RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
