Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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