I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
