my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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