i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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