Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
