I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
