Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
