my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
