Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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