someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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