Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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