I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
