apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
