I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
