well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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