We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
