She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
