He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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