Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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