Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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