Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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