I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
