I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
