is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
