If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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