Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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