i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
