you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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