I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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