So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
