I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
