Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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