I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
